Thank God I'm Not a Country Boy!

Announced on Idol last night, besides the predictable demise of Lisa, was that this coming week's show would be country music-themed. There are very few things in this world that, in effect, run their fingernails down the chalkboard of my soul and country music is one of them. Since I've already been spewing venomous thoughts on paper about my hatred of country music at the request of one of my coworkers, I decided I would preempt next week's American Idol theme with the reasons I don't like country music.

1. Anyone can create a country music song.
   The lyrics are common and conversational, even ridiculously simple. I've never heard anyone talk about the "deep significance" or "inner meaning" of a country song. They lay it all out there for everyone to hear and understand. Even a drunk can comprehend the lyrics and message and perhaps that's the point.
2. It takes no talent to sing a song in country-western style.
   I'm not sure I've heard of an artist who studied at a music conservatory who went on to be a country singer. To me, vocal slides and twang are not the marks of a great song. It's lazy vocal method at its best.
3. The wardrobe and fashion styles of the C-W culture denote work.
   Let me explain. It seems each style of music has a fashion style attached to it. The style of country music - cowboy hat, pressed jeans, cowboy boots, big belt buckle - all have roots in the work duds of the classic American cowboy. Almost every other style associated with music is one of comfort and uniqueness within a culture. Boots, a big fat hat, and a belt buckle the size of a dinner plate might be comfortable but it screams, "Let's get back on the range, round up the cattle, and pitch manure." Not too many people want to wear their work attire to enjoy a culture of music. One example that does is The Village People - a police officer, a construction worker, a cowboy, etc. Work uniforms. We all know what The Village People represent... homosexuality. Think about it... The Village People, country music, cowboys, Brokeback Mountain. I think there's an obvious connection. (kidding)
4. Country Music songs tend to use odd words and word combinations like "Achy Breaky" and "Boot Scoot Boogey." It's foolishness.
5. Two words: Line Dancing.
6. Country music uses instruments that are either weird or generally uncool, such as a steel guitar that sits on your lap that you play with a slide and a fiddle which is probably a honky-tonk violin. Unless you're a blind singer named Jeff Healy, no one should be putting their guitar on their lap. My apologies to my high school mate, Alex Depue, aka The Fiddler.

Bottom line: any no-talent, uncreative hack can write and sing a country song. The lyrics are simple, hokey, and predicatable. Anyone can sound good singing country-style because the standards are so low. Just put on your big hat and back-country bling, go down to your local saloon, have a few (or several) beers, and start singing about the first thing that comes to your mind. Don't worry about trying to sing on pitch because you'll be sure to tickle the ears of your new fans as you slide from one note to another. Throw in a couple yahoos, yeehaws, and dag-gums, and tarnations and you've just propelled yourself to stardom with a Top 40 hit (can they even count to 40?).