Emotions, crying, death, and other fun stuff

Several months ago I had a conversation with some people about things each of us gets emotional about… things that make us cry. I reported that there wasn't really anything I get emotional about. Someone asked, "There is NOTHING that pulls at your heart strings?" "Not really," I responded.

However, yesterday something pulled hard. I started thinking about something and I even started to tear up. Imagine that: me crying. Yes, it happened… twice (and now another as I'm writing this entry). Now, I didn't whimper or have tears streaming down my face or anything like that but it was enough to avoid my family so they wouldn't see me teary-eyed.

I've really enjoyed my son, Ryan, lately. Watching him grow up, play, interact with me and others, and seeing him get bigger and more mature has been an incredible experience. Here's where things get hard for me. I realized that someday, statistically speaking, Ryan will have to participate in my funeral. He will have to stand next to his mother and sister and bury me. It's hard to imagine that 5, 10, 25, or 50 years from now I will be out of his life in a physical sense. It's very difficult to picture this cute 5 year old as a 30, 40, or 50 year old man saying goodbye to his dad who loved and raised him. I just can't imagine Ryan experiencing so much sorrow as the death of one's father would bring.

I know that someday I will have to face this reality in my own life with the eventual death of my father and maybe this difficult thing my father has thought about and dealt with at some point in his life. This makes it worse because I know how I feel about my father and how much pain I'll experience when he passes away. I don't want Ryan to experience such sorrow and have to help his mother and sister through it.

My only comfort is that someday we will all be reunited in a place where we will experience no sorrow. Until then, in my tears, I'll try to be the best father and the most significant influence in his life possible and hope that my life will make a positive mark on his life.