The Worst Lunch Ever

Today was probably the worst lunch experience for me (other than school lunches in junior high when they give you cardboard French fries and a tasteless burger with plastic cheese which, incidentally, sticks to the ceiling of a lunch room for a long time if you throw it just right).

Normally during the summer I go home for lunch because there usually is something there to eat and my family is there so I like to spend time with them when I can. At around 11:30 this morning I talked to my wife on the phone and she informed me she was going to be shopping over the lunch hour and was going to get lunch while she was out. This gives me a chance to go out and get something a little extra special for lunch because I don't feel obligated to go home. So, I've got my pick of any restaurant and fast food joint in the area. It's 11:30 so I've got plenty of time to make my choice and it has to be a good one because this doesn't happen very often.

I don't mind eating out by myself but I'd rather go out to lunch with someone so I start looking around for potential candidates for my lunch-time field trip. Unfortunately, all my co-workers are out somewhere so none of them are available. I travel next door where Tony works and see what he's up to. Nada. Tony's busy and has to leave. No one else that I could think of is around so I'm all alone. But that's ok because at this point it's only noon so I've got plenty of time to figure out what I want to do.

My dilemma now is to decide if I want to sit alone in a restaurant or pick something up and bring it back to my office. I opt for the pick-up because a restaurant would take too long and I'd have to leave a tip. The only thing worse than eating by yourself in a restaurant is paying $10 for a $6 meal and wasting an hour finding things to look at.

I've pretty much ruled out fast food because 1) I was looking for something a little more fancy, 2) I'm not in a hurry, and 3) fast food just sux sometimes. I'll save the fast food for when it's really necessary to have fast food. So, I'm down to a nice place where I can pick something up and bring it back to my office. That should be easy because I have plenty of time.

Chinese? Well, ever since the local Chinese take-out place has been under new management, I've been afraid to go there. Plus, I wasn't in the mood for Chinese. Soup/Salad/Sandwich sounds good but there aren't really any places like that around here for take out. I'd have to travel to Scranton or Dickson City and that's too far away and I'd have to sit down… but it was tempting. I'd have to think about that one. Stromboli/Calzone? Wasn't in the mood for one of those. I really had my heart set on a sandwich and some soup. Hoagie? Had a hoagie yesterday.

I didn't have any options left. I didn't want fast food. I didn't want to sit down. I wanted something nice because it was one of the few times I could treat myself like this. By this time it was 12:30 and most every normal, working American either had already made plans for lunch or was happily digesting it. I was alone in my hungered grief.

Then, I thought maybe I should get in my car and drive and then it would come to me like an epiphany as I drive by the restaurants. The only problem with this plan is that I wouldn't be able to do a call-in-pick-up. I was so desperate at this point that I was willing to risk that and possibly have to do the sit-down-$10-stare-at-stuff meal. Onward I drive on my lunch-time quest.

I position myself on the one side of town so I can easily drive to the other end scoping out food joints intentionally looking past anything that had value meals or a $1 or under section of the menu. Nothing. At the other end was my bank so I pulled in to get some cash so I feel like I actually accomplished something by driving through town. I thought maybe the ATM would reveal my destination. The ATM was silent except for the phony electro-British accent instructing me on my transaction. Time to drive back through town. Almost 1:00. Yikes. I didn't want to arrive back at my office with a cheap sack half filled with food that altogether cost less than $3 and the filled the rest of the way with complimentary napkins but that might be my only choice.

My lunch was pretty much the exact opposite of what I wanted it to be. I actually went through the Wendy's drive thru to get a bowl of chili and some fries AND to Burger King to get a cheeseburger. I wasted all this time I might as well make the best out of it. I arrived at my office with two sacks o' crap and a 20 oz. Pepsi that I got in the machine next door. How sad is that? This was the worst lunch ever.