NEPA Wisdom, Part 2

Woman being interviewed on news: His one tooth (although, I'm pretty sure she said "toof") got jammed so far up into his face the x-ray couldn't even find it.

Lady, if the x-ray couldn't find it, it ain't there.

Dream a Little Dream of Me

I cannot be held accountable for what I do in other peoples' dreams.

The New Wave in Cell Phone Technology

I'm growing tired of Nextel's "bee-beeeeep." Not only do I have to listen to someone's entire conversation when talking on a Nextel phone but I have to endure being alerted to every bounce of the ball in the tennis-match-style dialogue.

Person 1: [bee-beeeeep]
Person 2: [bee-beeeeep] Yes [beep]
Person 1: [bee-beeeeep] Hi [beep]
Person 2: [bee-beeeeep] Hello [beep]
Person 1: [bee-beeeeep] Were you able to get your Monster Truck Driver's License? [beep]
Person 2: [bee-beeeeep] Heck yeah. Now I can start growing my mullet again. [beep]
Person 1: [bee-beeeeep] I like these phones. I feel like I'm a truck driver. Breaker 1-9. [beep]
Person in background: Would you take that somewhere else? I can't hear Dr. Phil.
Person 2: [bee-beeeeep] I agree. This is the future of phone technology. Maybe all phones will be like this in the future. [beep]
Person 1: [bee-beeeeep] I sure hope so, Lamont. I really like the way you have to stop the conversation and let the other person talk. It's like saying, "Ok, it's your turn now" instead of having a free-flowing, normal dialogue with someone. Plus, others can hear every word we're saying so we're able to share our gift of communication with the whole world. [beep]
Person in background: SHUTUP!
Person 2: [bee-beeeeep] Oh, I could talk to you for hours... and I actually could because we have free, unlimited minutes with these phones. [beep]
Person 1: [bee-beeeeep] But, I have to take off. I have to go pick up the tickets for the Barry Manilow concert. This is his last tour, you know. [beep]
Person 2: [bee-beeeeep] Ok, bye. [beep]
Person 1: [bee-beeeeep] Bye. [beep]
Person 2: [beeeeeeeep]
Person 1: [beeeeeeeep]

Poetic Hygiene

My scalp is a canvas; my razor, a brush (actually, more like an eraser).

Caucasian Solar Math's Revenge

I'm picking the dead, burnt skin off the back of my bald head... just so you know.