Emotions, crying, death, and other fun stuff

Several months ago I had a conversation with some people about things each of us gets emotional about… things that make us cry. I reported that there wasn't really anything I get emotional about. Someone asked, "There is NOTHING that pulls at your heart strings?" "Not really," I responded.

However, yesterday something pulled hard. I started thinking about something and I even started to tear up. Imagine that: me crying. Yes, it happened… twice (and now another as I'm writing this entry). Now, I didn't whimper or have tears streaming down my face or anything like that but it was enough to avoid my family so they wouldn't see me teary-eyed.

I've really enjoyed my son, Ryan, lately. Watching him grow up, play, interact with me and others, and seeing him get bigger and more mature has been an incredible experience. Here's where things get hard for me. I realized that someday, statistically speaking, Ryan will have to participate in my funeral. He will have to stand next to his mother and sister and bury me. It's hard to imagine that 5, 10, 25, or 50 years from now I will be out of his life in a physical sense. It's very difficult to picture this cute 5 year old as a 30, 40, or 50 year old man saying goodbye to his dad who loved and raised him. I just can't imagine Ryan experiencing so much sorrow as the death of one's father would bring.

I know that someday I will have to face this reality in my own life with the eventual death of my father and maybe this difficult thing my father has thought about and dealt with at some point in his life. This makes it worse because I know how I feel about my father and how much pain I'll experience when he passes away. I don't want Ryan to experience such sorrow and have to help his mother and sister through it.

My only comfort is that someday we will all be reunited in a place where we will experience no sorrow. Until then, in my tears, I'll try to be the best father and the most significant influence in his life possible and hope that my life will make a positive mark on his life.

My Day: July 9

Here's what I did today:

I woke up to my daughter kicking and punching me in the face. Oh wait, before that I woke up to her screaming in her crib because she has this nasty habit of turning herself over on her tummy when she's half awake. Then she starts screaming because she doesn't like it. Duh. So, I went and turned her over and she fell back asleep. That was at about 6:00 or so. My wife must have brought her into bed with us sometime after that. All I know is that I wasn't ready to get out of bed yet. Bah.

Normally in the morning I like to drift in an out of sleep slowly. This is the best way for me to wake up. Some people get right up out of bed. Others get right out of bed mostly asleep and head straight for their morning ritual: strong coffee. As for me, I need time. However, I drifted in and out of sleep this morning with tiny hands and feet pummeling my face and upper torso. Evidently, about 6:30 AM is the perfect time for a four-month-old to practice her newly discovered spitting technique. It was enough to get me a little annoyed but I couldn't get mad because she's just so cute.

Then, work. Blah blah blah. Several hours later, work is done. Rush home to eat so I can get to worship team rehearsal at church. Rehearsal is not without its glitches but, overall, a great time. I'm looking forward to this weekend's services, all four of them.

Of course, we have to drive our little car with over 180K miles on it back and forth because our van is without air conditioning at the moment thanks to our good buddies at NAPA for giving me a defective compressor. That will be fixed on the 22 nd . In the meantime, I get to drive the van to and from work. I look so cool. Secretly, I think my coworkers envy me, especially the one with the Passat with the sunroof.

We get home and Ryan (my 5-year-old) goes to play with the neighbor boys since he never gets to play with them enough. I guess 6 hours of play-time to a kid is like 30 minutes of fun to an adult. Meanwhile inside the house, I don't know what happened. Three hours later, I'm at the computer, Steph is in the living room going through clothes for a yard sale for this weekend, and the kids are in bed.

The process involved in getting my son to bed involves about 12-15 steps and lasts about as long as an episode of Law & Order. Each of those steps can be summed up in one word: delay. He'll do anything to put off going to bed. Milk, snack, more milk, another snack, juice, TV, brush teeth, water, go to the bathroom, put on pajamas, attempt to play with toys, attempt to look at a book, try to watch more TV, slowly get into bed, strike up long conversation with mom or dad, sleep.

I think I have five steps: get up from what I was doing, take off outer clothing, get into bed, kiss Stephanie goodnight, sleep. I don't think I could whittle it down any farther because I'm not about to sleep in my clothes and I can't forget to kiss Steph goodnight. If I made it a habit to not kiss her goodnight, I could reduce it to two steps: stay on the couch, sleep. I guess I'll have to reconsider sleeping in my clothes.

Common Sense Tip for Drivers

Ok, if you're going to continue driving in this society, be a little courteous and smart about it. For example, if you're planning a left hand turn, make the turn when you pull out into the road and AFTER you leave the stop sign. Don't initiate the turn 20 feet BEFORE the sign. [See illustration below]

Thank You, Song-Writers

I'm really thankful for music. Yeah, that's a pretty simple, lame statement but sometimes the most meaningful sentiments are expressed in simple ways. Ironically, I had to shut my music off so I could think clearly to continue writing.

I'm sitting here listening to "Further" by Pillar soaking it all in… the lyrics, the mood, the music, the reality. I love the feel of a song and, being a musician, I get into the music a lot and listen to it very intently. When I'm listening to the music of a song, I study it and try to grab hold of what it's doing and where it's going: the mood, the tempo, the movement, the dynamics, the instruments.

What prompted me to write today is not the music I was listening to but the lyrics of the song and how I identified with the song. Another thing I like about music is the beautiful way someone can express a simple thought. These are the same thoughts I have but expressed in a way that only my heart and emotions understand… thoughts that are hard for me to communicate in words.

So, if you're a song-writer - a good song-writer - thanks for helping me understand the things I don't know how to put into words.