Christmas Tips for Guys Who Want to Avoid the Dog House

A friend mentioned to me the other day that it was 90 days until Christmas. After about 12 minutes of daydreaming about cookies and other festive treats, I wiped the drool off my chin and began to think about what's ahead for the holiday season. It means climbing up into my attic, which is no less difficult than ascending the exterior of a brick two story building with your bare hands, a couple times a week for the next three months fetching decorations and knick-knacks pertaining to three different holidays. It also means envying the neighbors who have neglected to take down their Christmas decor from last year... or from four years ago.

Most importantly, it means getting a head start on Christmas shopping for my wife. I've learned a couple things over the last few years that might help you guys if you haven't figured this out already. I've endured too many sexless nights as a result of waiting until the last minute and have come dangerously close to resorting to gifting a can of soup, an assortment of candy bars, or a convenient store road atlas. So, here are some tips to keep you out of the dog house this Christmas season.

1. Observe your wife
   No, don't check out her caboose, but listen to her and observe the things she talks about. If she's flipping through a magazine, notice the things she points out to you. If you're in the store, pay attention when she shows you a sweater that she likes. When you're at home, listen to her when she says things like, "I wish I had..." or "I really need a..." or "[Some item or piece of clothing] is getting worn out." Otherwise, you will be stuck with trying to conjure up gift ideas in a moment of frustration and despair.
   
2. Write it down
   Keep a list of ideas in your wallet or PDA. Whenever she mentions something or you get an idea, add it to that list. Do not lose the list.
3. Start shopping
   We want to avoid the Christmas rush in the stores if possible but we also want to make sure we don't miss out on deals when they're available. Don't be afraid to make gift purchases in October. This helps even out the Christmas budget by spreading it out over several paychecks (for those of you, like myself, who don't have Christmas club savings accounts).
   
4. Keep shopping
   Once you've purchased something, keep watching the prices for that item so you can get a better deal. Many stores will do price matching up to 30 days from the date of purchase. If they lower the price or you find a better price in a different store, they will credit you for the difference. If they don't do price matching, return the gift and buy it at the lower price. Waiting until the last minute doesn't afford you this option and you'll pay whatever the price is at the time.
5. Purchase more than you need
   Don't be afraid to buy more gifts than you were planning on giving her for Christmas. Save some back for Valentine's Day, her birthday, or another occasion. Spare yourself the headache later and quietly gloat in your thoughtfulness.
   
6. Don't buy yourself gifts and give them to her
   Women can see right through this foolishness. Your wife most likely never asked for an XBOX game, a cordless drill, or an mp3 player so don't buy her one thinking you'll get some use out of it. If you want one of these yourself, save your own money and buy it, you cheap, selfish loser.
7. Don't buy something that creates more work
   Guys don't mind getting more tools and better tools to help them do work around the house. It feeds our ego and makes us feel like men. Women, for the most part, don't seem to like it and even take offense to it. Let's say your wife unwraps a brand new mixer on Christmas morning. She initially expresses false delight but quickly gets defensive and responds, "What? Are you trying to say something about my cooking? You don't think my cooking is good enough? Do you think I need help?! I slave every day cooking and cleaning...." You get the idea. Unless she specifically requests it, avoid these types of gifts. In fact, avoid anything that could be offensive to her. Such gifts include small kitchen appliances, cleaning supplies, and anything that has to do with weight-loss or exercise.
8. Be careful buying clothes
   If your wife has a hard time finding clothes for herself, so will you so. This is a landmine you don't want to step on. Ask her to put something on layaway and then purchase it later. Sure, it takes the surprise out of it at least both of you are confident she's getting the right size, color, style, etc. You could always purchase a gift certificate to your local mall or favorite store and let her do her own shopping. Some think a gift certificate is impersonal but it gives them the thrill of shopping without the guilt of spending money (if your wife has that affliction. Fortunately, mine does.).
   

Creativity vs. Order

I have experienced some tension in recent history over several concepts as they relate to church liturgy and worship:

• Creativity
• Creative expression
  
• Excellence
• Perfection
  
• Order
• Involvement of the Holy Spirit

In my mind, it boils down to a tension between creativity and order and in a perfect world we'd have a good mix of both. This tension, which isn't necessarily bad, happens on two levels: in the planning process and in the execution of it during the practices and weekend services. We want things to be orderly, planned, and presented excellently and we also want to allow the activity of the Holy Spirit to be present and allow the participants the freedom to be creative. If that's what you're selling, put me down for a dozen.

Ultimately, I think this tension exists because God, in His wisdom, created man in His own image with the capacity to think and be creative. He instilled in us the ability to reason, think logically, to create, and think abstractly. He further sculpted each individual with his own set of strengths and unique abilities to the extent some are more creative and some are more logically-minded. God designed us this way so that we would rely on others to be for us what we cannot be on our own.

However, lately I've observed the polarization of these two ideas. Orderliness would suffer at the expense of creativity and creativity would be squelched at the priority of structure. While this might be true, it's true because it's a problem we ourselves have created and not by design. We have polarized those two concepts and have hung a pendulum in between. We swing the pendulum based on what's working and what's not working. Eventually, your arms will get tired of either swinging the pendulum or holding it in place.

Since we are made in the image of God, and God is both creative and orderly, we should strive to demostrate that in our worship to Him and our communion with other believers. I'm not talking about "balance." I'm suggesting not sacrificing one at the expense of another. Creativity without order becomes chaos. Order without creativity becomes stale.

Somehow, this man-made bout between Order and Creativity turned ugly when the referee turned his back and Perfection and Failure made their way into the ring and caused bedlam. Perfection and started pummeling Creativity and Failure was laying the smackdown on Order. The problem is Perfection and Failure weren't invited to this match because they're not in opposition to Creativity and Order. Perfection does not side with Order against Creativity. Failure (or the permission of failure) and Creativity do not join forces against Order.

The opposite of failure is achievement.

The opposite of perfection is being flawed.

The opposite of order is chaos.

The opposite of creativity is lack of imagination.

I want to address the idea of perfection. We are not perfect nor could we be humanly perfect. That does not mean we should not try our hardest and strive for excellence. Everyone makes mistakes but that does not excuse us from not trying to prevent mistakes through practice and/or preparedness.

As a contributor of a corporate gathering governed by order, led by the Spirit, and crafted by creativity, I take seriously my role to offer the best of myself and my talents to God for His honor and pleasure and to assist others in pursuing communion with God and His people. Unless I am mistaken, this should be the goal of every participant from the greeter to the preacher to every instrumentalist and lead worshiper. I am afraid we have created unnecessary polarizations and correlations that have led to mediocrity in the offering of ourselves to God in worship.

Some questions:

• How do we achieve order without sacrificing creativity? How do we achieve creativity without sacrificing order? Are these valid questions?
• If you had to choose either order or creativity, which would it be? Why?
  
• What part does the Holy Spirit play in the corporate worship of the living God?
• What is the responsibility of those involved to create an environment condusive to worship?
• How important is it for the participants to be prepared for worship in their hearts and in their abilities?
• What part do these things play during a corporate worship gathering? Excellence, failure, mistakes, creativity, self-expression, structure, humanness.

Self Improvement 101

A person's life is a complex, multi-dimensional, nebulous mass of metaphysical goo.

I've decided, after noticing a self-inflicted hand-shaped mark on my forehead almost as permanent as the tattoo on my arm, that I have too many unpleasant quirks and deficiencies (I'm not talking about vitamin deficiencies, although I probably have those as well). Everybody has them. I should know because I'm a master at noticing others' faults... that's one of my mine. If you don't know what yours are and I haven't told you yet, just ask because I probably have a mental list.

Now, this didn't come to me as an epiphany one evening on the toilet or through a message contained in the visual configuration of my breakfast cereal but something I've been become more aware of over time. It's not unlike routinely opening your refrigerator and discovering what's inside. You see last month's foil-covered chicken pot pie transforming into a mossy, colorful, inedible treat but you put off throwing it away because either you're too lazy or garbage day isn't until six days from now. My soul, body, and spirit feel like a half-neglected icebox stocked with a steady supply of fresh food and month-old, moldy casseroles.

While I don't think there are any magical formulas to improving one's character I do think it takes a combination of realization, persistence, failure, God's help, and a whollotta other things to achieve a greater level of mental equilibrium, physical health, and personal holiness. My method thus far has been similar to attempting to win the lottery without buying a lottery ticket... great ambition with little or no effort. However, lately I have been giving a little more effort and I've been seeing some progress.

In my quest to find an aid that would help me in the day-to-day, I remembered something I briefly studied in high school: Ben Franklin's 13 Virtues. Partially motivated by Philippians 4:8, Franklin developed a method for regulating his future conduct. He came up with a list of thirteen virtues and kept track of his progress in each discipline daily while honing in on one specific virtue per week.

1. Temperance: Eat not to dullness and drink not to elevation.
2. Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation.
3. Order: Let all your things have their places. Let each part of your business have its time.
4. Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.
5. Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself: i.e. Waste nothing.
6. Industry: Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. Justice: Wrong none, by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. Moderation: Avoid extremes. Forebear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. Cleanliness: Tolerate no uncleanness in body, clothes or habitation.
11. Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring; Never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
12. Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
13. Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

As I look at this list of qualities I see several words that don't often pass over my lips. Even though Benny F. provided a short description with each virtue, I consulted a dictionary for a couple of them. This list of virtues was compiled over 200 years ago so I'll be taking that into account. I mean, c'mon, what's this "rarely use venery" about? And this "cut off all unnecessary action" is a bit overboard. Seriously, though, I could be using my time a little more intentionally for better things but I don't plan on cancelling my DirecTV or throwing away my xbox games.

My plan is to heighten my awareness of these areas in my life each day instead of performing a radical transformation I can't possibly sustain. My plan is also for focused prayer, reading, introspection, evaluation, and correction a little bit at a time.

Now, I guess I'm on to temperance. I guess I won't be downing a monster bowl of buttery popcorn and chasing that with moutainous scoops of ice cream. Maybe a small bowl.

Monday Anagram Fun

I saw a comment on a friend's blog which listed a couple anagrams of his name. Thanks to the Internet Anagram Server, I've compiled a list of some anagrams and added punctuation where appropriate.

Matthew James Book (my full name)

• WE MOJO MATH BASKET
  
• BAKE A JEW MOTH MOST
• A BATHS JET WOKE MOM
• SMOKE THEM TWO, BAJA
• OK, SAMBA, TOM THE JEW
  
• TOMAHAWKS JOB MEET
• OMAHA BMW JOKE TEST
• JET WOKE ASTHMA MOB
• MAMA BE THE JOTS WOK
• MAMBO SHAKO JEWETT
• BEAST MET HAWK MOJO
• TAKETH ME MOJO SWAB

Bowling Green, Ohio (my hometown)

• BIGGER WHOLE ONION
• BOOGER WHINE LINGO
• OBLONG GENII WHORE

Bowling Green

• BOGGLE WINNER
• BEEN GROWLING
• BELGE INGROWN
• BONNER WIGGLE

Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania (where I live)

• SACRAMENTALISM VINYL PUNKS
• ALMANAC'S SKINNY LIVER STUMP
• CANASTA LUMPS SLINKY MERVIN
• TIMMY LURKS SAVANNA'S PENCIL

Clarks Summit

• A SLICK MR. SMUT
• MARKISM CULTS
• RATS SCUM MILK

24 Season 1 [Spoilers]

I just finished a 4 day marathon viewing of 24 season 1 as a part of my vasectomy therapy. It took several episodes before I was really hooked and I could have turned it off after the first five hours and not lost any sleep. But, I stuck with it and it grew on me. I can't tell if I became hooked on the show itself or if I was just curious about seeing the situation resolved. It's like Elaine on Seinfeld who was determined to close the buy-twelve-get-one-sub-free deal and get her free sub since she had eaten twelve bad subs. She had mistakenly written her fake telephone number on the back of the card and gave it so mr. denim vest. Anyway, I had invested several hours into it and was curious about how it was going to turn out. Since I wasn't going anywhere, I continued on with my bag of frozen peas soothing my genitals.

I kind of liked watching the entire season within a short period of time. I was really able to soak it all in as opposed to trying to remember what happened the week before and anticipating the next episode. I haven't decided if I'm interested in watching the next season when it comes on in January because I don't think I could handle watching one hour at a time for a several months. Lost was the same way and I didn't have any mental collapses watching that over an entire season so I might be ok.

There were some things I observed about the first season that were a little frustrating. First of all, they could have boiled everything down to a standard 8-9 hour work day and reworked the show to be a mini-series rather than a full 24-episode season. The reason is they just kept recycling the same situations over and over and over. I mean, how many times does someone get kidnapped, escape, get kidnapped, escape, etc? Think about it. How different was what happened in one episode than what happened in another episode?

Another thing I noticed was how the chain of evil people kept getting longer and more evil. Initially, you think the scumbag behind the assassination attempt and kidnappings is this evil man. But no! He's working for a different, more evil man. But alas! That man is working for another more eviler man. Each hour you're introduced to a more evilier man with the "real" motive behind the events of the day and a different nationality. Yes, I'm making up words. I'm evilesque.

While this is going on, you're being jerked around with the personnel within the agency. Uh oh. There's a mole in the midst. It's him! No, it's him! No, it's her. It's not her because it's him. No, now it's this other guy. It must be this other girl because we caught her doing something and she killed herself. But wait, there's another mole. Is it him, him, him, or her?

If you are being guarded by a team of guys in Members Only jackets, they will all be killed and you will be kidnapped... again.

Apparently, there is always someone in a different office in another part of the country who has the clearance, authority, and willingness to give you anything you need and in the next five minutes.

Every car in California comes with a set of keys factory-installed in the sun visor.

Lack of food, lack of sleep, being wounded by gunfire, and extreme physical and emotional exertion will not diminish your ability to make sound judgments, drive a car, fire a gun accurately, and negotiate with terrorists.

All in all, it was a good show. I'll have to sit down with my day planner and the fall television line-up to determine which shows merit a TIVO Season Pass. I'd have to give up one of the Law & Orders or a CSI if I want to squeeze this in so I'm not obligated to watch too much television each week. The jury is still out on this one.

Selfishness Exposed!!!

I don't think I've seen so many acts of selfishness as I have seen in the last few weeks. It shouldn't surprise me since it was pride and selfishness that brought sin into existence and Paul warned Timothy that in the last days people will be lovers of themselves and proud (2 Timothy 3:1-5).

You see selfishness on a small scale everyday and we almost expect that from people. My children are often very selfish but the extent of their actions and attitudes is not that far reaching. The world doesn't crumble because my daughter ripped a toy out of my son's hand. We don't see a counselor because I want to rent this movie and my wife wants to see another.

What I've been seeing lately is some major stuff that seriously impacts the welfare and future of a lot of people. It's one thing to make a choice that inconveniences a couple people for a short period of time but to make a deliberate decision to negatively alter the course of another person's life as a result of a selfish act is repulsive. Where is love in these situations? I'll tell you where it is... it's a very present and obvious love in which the object is self. It's egocentric, greedy, and self-serving.

It's not only love directed at self but it's also hate directed toward others. They may not verbally acknowledge hatred but their actions shout it loud and clear screaming, "I choose myself over you!"

Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

On a more serious note

I received a phone call from Steph this afternoon informing me that my 55 year-old neighbor directly across the street had taken his life. As in every terrible situation, there are so many perspectives and so many people affected and hurt. I ask that you take a moment to intercede on behalf of the family, friends, and neighbors.

As a former man of the cloth, I felt an obligation to be present to listen, be supportive, and provide answers when necessary. I prayerfully welcomed that task as I drove home early from work. Several of us neighbors were talking in the driveway and someone mentioned the need to say a prayer for him. While I know it's no use to pray for the dead, I knew that openly crying out to God for wisdom and comfort for the living would be appropriate. As intentionally unceremonious as I could, I prayed.

I found myself in a similar situation about 7-8 years ago when a new-comer to our youth group's mother suddenly became sick and passed away. I was with the family in the hospital when she died and was asked to pray moments after her passing. [Warning: Christianese and possible offensive language ahead] I knew the religious background of the family and was fairly certain she was not a believer. Her eternal destiny was sealed about 4 minutes prior to this moment and there are no amount of prayers that can change that. In any case, I prayed for the family as I did today.

More thoughts later, probably. I'm tired.

Vasectomy Survival Kit

In light of my procedure this week, I put together a little survival kit to help me get through the few days of discomfort. I'll be prescribed some sort of pain medicine. I hope it's the really good stuff people say you should stay away from because they're addictive. I'm pretty sure the jock i so my boys don't fall out (kidding). The frozen peas are for the swelling and the rest is to help pass the time.

It's a one-man show

For some reason I've been bombarded with the idea of making sure you have someone to talk to about the secret and personal things going on in your life. Yeah, I know it doesn't sound like the manly thing to do but apparently in Christendom, it's all the rage. It seems like I'm getting it from all angles and I think I'm starting to take the hint. The thing is I've read about this in Christian books on "real manhood", agreed to it in small groups (and adopted a non-self-incriminating, shallow form of it), and I even preached on it in my years in the ministry. Practially, however, I never got around to it.

Why? It's not me. Just like the mullet or a red jacket with a couple dozen zippers, it's not my style. Talking openly about my feelings, thoughts, and concerns fits me about as good as the 30x30 Bugle Boy jeans I wore in high school.

My parents were visiting last year and, as it inevitably does, the topic of my childhood came up. This is when everyone gets a good laugh at the stupid things I did. I'd prefer to get my giggles from the television in this case but, nevertheless, I must endure these all too frequent roasting sessions. No one ever praises my accomplishments like when I won my state degree in the Future Farmers of America or the time I took first place in the softball throwing contest in the spring field day of my 6th grade year. Those sweet memories and feats of greatness will just have to exist in my memory alone. During one of these episodes of borderline abuse, my mom brought up the fact that whenever I got hurt, even as a little fella barely able to walk and construct a mathematical equation, I would run off into my bedroom to sulk and weep over my suffering in isolation. Such has been my song in the face of turmoil and grief these last many years.

Will it ever change? I can't say. I willingly distance myself from close relationships to avoid the awkward inner confrontation between being transparent and being reclusive. It's easy not to spill out your soul over coffee with someone whom you only have a social friendship.

The truth is I'm satisfied and I'm not. I'm satisfied because this is familiar to me. I'm not satisfied not because I feel I'm in danger of going off the deep end and desperately need help and companionship but because I know there is fulfillment and freedom in unveiling the hidden paths no one has traveled.