NEPA Wisdom

A local "Pennsylvania Patriot" recently died in a crash while piloting a blackhawk helicopter in South Carolina. They featured this story on the news and quoted a friend saying, "He died doing what he loved. I mean, how many of us can really say that?"

Brilliant.

Mall Experience

Tell me if I'm way off base but I thought this was weird and worth writing about. I went to the mall last night to have the nose piece fixed on my glasses since the one side was broken in two. I could tell immediately the lady behind the desk was annoyed at my presence. I'm used to that by now.

Before I presented my dilemma I offered some pleasant words and an amiable tone to help make the experience go well for the both of us. That didn't seem to work but she could have had a short fuse and an explosive temper; after all, it was near the end of the day and by the way she looked, it was probably past her bedtime and she was due for some Metamucil. I figured that while I may not have cheered her up I probably spared my family from having to make my funeral arrangements.

"The nose piece on my glasses broke and I was wondering if you could fix it," I kindly inquired.

I guess at this point I expected something like, "Oh, we can take care of you. We can fix your glasses. Let me take a look and you'll be on your way in no time." No. Here's what I got.

"Well, if it's broke I can't fix it. But I can put a new nose piece on for you."

Duh. No kidding. Really?

It wasn't obvious to her that I was asking her to fix my glasses instead of mending the two broken pieces together with superglue. Perhaps I should have asked the question differently but I'm thinking she should have realized what I was actually asking and responded accordingly. Am I way off base here? Should I have expected more from this post-menopausal mall-worker or should I, a post-late-twenties professional, have decoded my riddle into something most common folk can understand?

DVD Milestone Event!

I don't know about you but I'm camping out tonight so I can snatch this gem off the shelf as soon the doors open.

Relaxing Friday Evening

Ah, nothing like a nice, relaxing Friday night... fixing the garbage disposal. Grrr! The night is still young.

My wife, my editor

Apparently my wife has the authority to veto the clothes I wear and the content of anything I post here. This is evidenced by an old shirt that is in the trash. It is further proven by the fact that I have a couple of interesting stories that will go unpublished: one self-incriminating and one self-congratulatory. [smirk]

I feel sorry for guys who have nobody to rid them of their old, embarrassing shirts.

Pushing Dirt Around

We took a break from our regularly scheduled programming here on campus to try to make the campus presentable for parents and guests coming for graduation. All students, faculty, and staff... wait, scratch that. Most students, faculty, and staff... um, let me try again. Many students, faculty, and staff were involved in indoor and outdoor projects such as sweeping traffic areas, landscaping, and general cleaning.

The group I was helping to lead swept the parking areas and the roadway from the Student Center to the lot behind Shaffer dorm. It was a pretty huge task but we had a lot of hard-working students which enabled us to finish about an hour early.

It's very interesting to see two dozen students work and interact. Some worked by themselves and basically pushed dirt and rocks around in a circle without accomplishing much. Others realized more could be accomplished together so they combined their efforts. There were a couple students who understood teamwork and efficiency and mobilized others to get the job done. It was the latter group who did the most work and did a better quality job. I think the others felt useful even though they didn't do much. They felt very content to keep busy without really contributing anything to the project. I think you'll find those people everywhere you go: church, workplace, family. Don't just push your own dirt around in a circle.

Saying Goodbye

No, I'm not closing down this blog and I'm not jumping off a bridge or running off to Tibet. I do realize that any or all of those would be an answer to your prayers but, nevertheless, you're stuck with me.

Have you ever noticed on television how people end a conversation on the phone? Most of the time they just hang up when they're done talking. No "Goodbye." No "I'll talk to you later." Just [click]. For example...

(Made up conversation)

Pete: So, I'm starting to get my rash under control. It has really affected my love life and I can't wait to get rid of this thing.
Stan: That's great to hear, Pete. The best thing you did was stop going to that witch doctor herbalist.
Pete: Yeah, she had me doing some crazy stuff. The good news is that I can use the rest of that all-natural body paste to seal the cracks in my driveway. I tell ya I won't miss sleeping in an upright position toward the East and drinking cucumber juice out of a coconut.
Stan: I gotta go. My mom is taking me to Burger King to pick up my paycheck and then she's going to drop me off at the mall so I can spend some money I got for my 38th birthday. I hear Electronics Boutique is having a great sale.
[Click]

Me, on the other hand, tend to drag out the end of a telephone conversation. I circle the runway a little and then bring the plane in for a slow, awkward landing. My "goodbyes" usually involve exchanging some pleasantries and well-wishes, indicating an intention of either talking to or seeing the other person at a future time, and finally delivering the farewell. For example...

(Made up conversation)

Matt: ...so they don't roll out of bed. ha ha ha
Gunther: [laughter] That was a great joke. You're a funny guy.
Matt: That's what people say. Well, I should get going. I had a really long nap at my desk this morning and I have to catch up on some work before I go home. It was good to talk to you and hear about your trip to the largest ant farm in North America.
Gunther: Ok, bye.
Matt: So, I'll see you later. Maybe I'll call you tomorrow.
Gunther: Yeah, whatever. Bye.
Matt: Have a great day!
Gunther: Sure, bye.
Matt: Bye.
[Click]

I really need to do something in this area. Maybe I'll just forgo all the extraneous small talk and end the conversation at the earliest possible moment like they do on television. I'll workshop the concept and report on my findings once ample testing has been completed.

When husbands are home alone

Things that happen when husbands are left home alone for seven days

• Popcorn and/or cereal for dinner
• New hobby: mooching at friend's house
• Wear clothes two days in a row
• Multiple daily trips to Home Depot
• Other side of bed becomes a convenient place to pile things
• Laundry is done in two loads: with skidmarks and without
• In order to conserve water, only flush toilet once each day
• I'm able to find things I've handled within the last few days because they're exactly where I put them
• Out of pity, friends come over and clean your house
• Television shows re-runs of Dukes of Hazard 24/7
• Food supply is depleted except for vegetables and anything that contains the words lite, low-, or reduced
• Friends who visit complain of having to see my fundies lying on the bathroom floor
• For fear of messing up the house, activities are restricted to using the bathroom only when necessary, eating small meals at the kitchen table, and sitting in only one location in the living room to read or watch television. Everything else must be done outside
• Experiment with arrangement of furniture for optimal surround sound movie experience. Return furniture to original location before wife returns
• Feel cool driving around in the nice car. Think of ways to convince her to let me keep driving it
• Leave nightlight on while sleeping. I just don't feel safe being home all by myself in this big, scary house
• Day 7: Go through fridge and throw away leftovers you said you'd eat so she doesn’t find out you ate pizza, wings, and subs instead
• Simulate epic LOTR battle using legos, army men, and G.I. Joes
• Call all your friends to see if they want to "hang out" only to find they all have to babysit while their wives scrapbook
• Leave toilet seat up. Chuckle.

Running on empty

Coffee flows through me like a newly formed river through a forgotten, lifeless desert.
Quench me and spring life into my being, oh sweet caffeine.

Just Your Average Blogging - April 14

It's been a crazy week for me so I haven't been able to write. A lot of things have been happening. My wife and the chillinz are in Seattle because my wife's grandmother passed away. So, I'm home alone. By the way, expect a blog entry within a couple days: Things that happen when husbands are left alone for seven days.

The TV has been on for a total of about 3 hours and 2 of them were to watch Training Day on TBS last night. Excellent film. So, I've been keeping myself busy doing other things... mostly working on a surprise for my wife for when she returns. Details about that later. No, it doesn't have anything to do with improvements on my body. After all, what's to improve? :) (yeah right) Although, I toyed around with the idea of getting another tattoo while she was gone but that's probably not a wise choice.

The cool thing about this past week is that I've been able to carry the cell phone around and drive our CR-V instead of having no cell phone and driving the old Corolla. Um, and, whatever.

I'm still working on my most outrageous moments except for I'm up to twelve. I'm so... Dangeresque.

Most Outrageous Bookie Moments

I don't really know what to type right now. My wife is out with her friend, Aimee, and I'm at home by myself. The kids are in bed and I'm enjoying some TV with my wireless laptop on the couch. I don't really know what to say except I'm happy about the way my life is going right now. I'm working hard at work and getting things done.

I'm watching an interesting show on TV right now. "100 Most Outrageous Celebrity Moments" is pretty hilarious. I'm realizing that no matter how stupid I can be, there are always celebrities who do it much better than us common folk. Sure, they have the money but they also have their lives forever captured on film and subject to ridicule and embarrassment.

I bet if I had a camera on me for my entire life VH1 could come up with a multi-hour series on the stupid things I've done in my life. If I get enough courage, maybe I'll post some crazy stories that would be worthy of such a biographical television program featuring the humiliation of yours truly. Anyone interested in a Top 10 Most Outrageous Bookie Moments?

On the Lighter Side -- The Guys' Rules

The Guys' Rules - At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.

• Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
• Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
• Crying is blackmail.
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
• ALL men see in only 1 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• I am in shape. Round is a shape.
• Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I'm sure the guy who wrote this has to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping

Message for Dads

Something small to you may be huge in the eyes of your children. Don't hesitate to make a little effort to spend time with your children individually; it will mean the world to them. This is a valuable and rewarding lesson I've been learning lately.

On a related note: evidently, my son thinks the local Perkins smells like urine.

Modern Pharisees

Over the last year or so I've really become aware that there is a strong population of Pharisees in the Christian community. There are many situations where I've seen them emerge but I'll focus on just one aspect in this writing. I should mention that I don't pretend to be competely Christ-like in the way I conduct myself and act towards other people. There are probably times I am unware of where I demonstrate a Pharisaical mindset. Perhaps this exercise in thinking will help me identify those instances in my life and judgment.

Judas | Peter | Jimmy Swaggart | Jim Bakker | Onesimus

What are your thoughts when I mention those names? Do you feel compassion or disdain? This list of names, which is by no means exhaustive, represents people in Christianity who have erred in some way. I'm sure we can come up with names of people we know personally who have had bumps in the road of their Christian journey. Some hit a bump and are derailed. Some hit a bump, catch their balance, and return to the proper course. Regardless of the severity of the bump, we're most concerned with what happens afterwards... and we should be.

If someone sins and does not repent, we should pray and approach that person for the purpose of restoration (Gal 6:1). Note: RESTORATION is the goal, not punishment or excommunication. What did the Pharisees do in John 8 with the woman caught in adultery? They wanted to stone her and watch her receive the punishment for her sin. They didn't hang around to watch her receive forgiveness and (we can only assume) get her life back on track. They weren't interested in the restoration part. Shame on the Pharisees.

If someone sins and does repent, we should rejoice that he has been forgiven and restored. What did the elder brother do in the parable of the Prodigal Son? He was angry, selfish, and did not rejoice that his brother had repented and returned to the family. He wasn't interested in his brother's well-being and restoration. When the brother returned the father did not brow-beat him, make him feel worthless, and insist he be punished for his prodigal ways. He forgave him and rejoiced. Shame on the elder brother.

We get satisfaction when another Christian falls into sin, commits an indescretion, or has a lapse in judgment. We are satisfied because it makes us look better and we all need outside help to look like a better Christian because most of us aren't accomplishing it on our own. "After all, I didn't commit that sin. I wasn't the one who did THAT. I never made THAT choice. I must be a pretty good person. I can feel God smiling at me."

Shame on us Christians for delighting when someone falls and for not being willing to dish out a little compassion and forgiveness. God's judicial system works a lot differently than ours does. Our system is very black and white: if someone commits a crime, they get punished. We do not know the complete mind of God and his intentions for a single person's life. If someone commits a sin or does something stupid, God may choose to punish or not to punish but let God be God and allow Him to do what He wills. It's not our place to deal out judgment and punishment on people and we certainly shouldn't wish it upon them. Rejoice when someone turns from sin. Pray for someone if they don't repent. The goal is always restoration and Christlikeness and not some sadistic gratification that someone got what they deserved for the wrong they did.