Thank God I'm Not a Country Boy!

Announced on Idol last night, besides the predictable demise of Lisa, was that this coming week's show would be country music-themed. There are very few things in this world that, in effect, run their fingernails down the chalkboard of my soul and country music is one of them. Since I've already been spewing venomous thoughts on paper about my hatred of country music at the request of one of my coworkers, I decided I would preempt next week's American Idol theme with the reasons I don't like country music.

1. Anyone can create a country music song.
   The lyrics are common and conversational, even ridiculously simple. I've never heard anyone talk about the "deep significance" or "inner meaning" of a country song. They lay it all out there for everyone to hear and understand. Even a drunk can comprehend the lyrics and message and perhaps that's the point.
2. It takes no talent to sing a song in country-western style.
   I'm not sure I've heard of an artist who studied at a music conservatory who went on to be a country singer. To me, vocal slides and twang are not the marks of a great song. It's lazy vocal method at its best.
3. The wardrobe and fashion styles of the C-W culture denote work.
   Let me explain. It seems each style of music has a fashion style attached to it. The style of country music - cowboy hat, pressed jeans, cowboy boots, big belt buckle - all have roots in the work duds of the classic American cowboy. Almost every other style associated with music is one of comfort and uniqueness within a culture. Boots, a big fat hat, and a belt buckle the size of a dinner plate might be comfortable but it screams, "Let's get back on the range, round up the cattle, and pitch manure." Not too many people want to wear their work attire to enjoy a culture of music. One example that does is The Village People - a police officer, a construction worker, a cowboy, etc. Work uniforms. We all know what The Village People represent... homosexuality. Think about it... The Village People, country music, cowboys, Brokeback Mountain. I think there's an obvious connection. (kidding)
4. Country Music songs tend to use odd words and word combinations like "Achy Breaky" and "Boot Scoot Boogey." It's foolishness.
5. Two words: Line Dancing.
6. Country music uses instruments that are either weird or generally uncool, such as a steel guitar that sits on your lap that you play with a slide and a fiddle which is probably a honky-tonk violin. Unless you're a blind singer named Jeff Healy, no one should be putting their guitar on their lap. My apologies to my high school mate, Alex Depue, aka The Fiddler.

Bottom line: any no-talent, uncreative hack can write and sing a country song. The lyrics are simple, hokey, and predicatable. Anyone can sound good singing country-style because the standards are so low. Just put on your big hat and back-country bling, go down to your local saloon, have a few (or several) beers, and start singing about the first thing that comes to your mind. Don't worry about trying to sing on pitch because you'll be sure to tickle the ears of your new fans as you slide from one note to another. Throw in a couple yahoos, yeehaws, and dag-gums, and tarnations and you've just propelled yourself to stardom with a Top 40 hit (can they even count to 40?).

Math Anomaly Busted

A friend sent me one of those "fun" math problems where you work your way through a series of math calculations to arrive at some amazing and inexplicable conclusion which is usually your birthday, social security number, or the number of freckles on your arm. Having seen these before, I finally decided to deconstruct this recent formula and figure out exactly what's going on. I know, too much excitement for a Monday. I have already achieved this week's pinnacle of entusiasm and the rest of the week is now on a downward spiral of boringness. Anyway, here's the problem followed by my deconstruction and the reason why it's not a numerical miracle... a numiracle.

Subj: Unbelievable Math Problem

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally, I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country!

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

Steps 3 & 5 can be combined (80*250=20,000). You can multiply the first three digits of your phone number by 20,000 which essentially multiplies it by 2 and moves the decimal place over enough where you can slip in the last four digits (X 2).

Steps 4 & 8 are there to make it more complicated and to throw you off. If you take 1 (step 4), multiply it by 250 (step 5) which equals 250, then subtract 250 (step 8) you're just creating extraneous work.

So, all we're really doing is multiplying and dividing everything by two. Let me demonstrate with my phone number (586-0101)...

586 * 20,000 = 11,720,000 <= multipling by 2 and shifting the numbers over to leave space for the next step
0101 * 2 = 0202
Totaled = 11,720,202
Divided by 2 = 5,860,101

I'm still alive

I'm still here. I guess I've been afflicted with the "Haven't Posted in a While Syndrome." Let me briefly describe what's been going on in my life with the hopes that I'll write more significantly in the near future.

1. Trying to get organized. For the last n years I have been very disorganized in virtually every area of my life. Along with that, I'm not a very disciplined person. I'm trying to catch up and get a handle on all the stuff in my life.
2. Stephanie and I are really considering moving to Ohio this summer. Pray for us because it's a process to try to figure out if this is the best thing for our family and future. I'm going to be doing some hardcore job hunting very soon. We'll also have to make sure our house is in selling condition and put it on the market at the right time.
3. God has really been teaching me a lot more lately about who I am and how He has made me. It's been cool to talk to people from time to time and be able to vocalize what's been going on in my head.
4. Related to the last statement, I've purchased a little notebook to allow me to get things out of my head and on paper. My intention for this blog was to help get thoughts out of my head and into a tangible form. I realize that, for me, a blog is not an ideal dumping ground for thoughts and ideas. I'm going to concentrate more on writing in my notebook first and develop some of those thoughts in a blog post if I choose.